Let’s get this shit on! It’s time for the 2014 playoffs to begin. I know, I know, everyone handed the title to Bob a long time ago. I get it. He’s stacked. He’s a winner. He’s Bob. Yet, this is Robioland and what do I always say?
“Get to the playoffs and win three games.”
It’s just that simply. This is the Robioland post-season. It is madness, baby. 8 Teams. 6 Games. 3 Weeks. Yet, just 1 champion will walk away with a mug.
STATS, STATS…FUCK THAT’S A LOT OF STATS
So, do you like stats?
(1) GRONKOWSKI SCHOOL 2 vs. (1) THE DICK-TATERS
2014 RECORD – Bob: 10-3, Calderon: 6-7
2014 SCORNG – Bob: 1st, Calderon: 9th
BOB CAREER PLAYOFF: 13-6 overall, 7-2 in quarters, 3-4 in the semis, 3-0 in finals, averages 1,430 PPG
RICH C CAREER PLAYOFF: 8-7 overall, 3-5 in quarters, 2-3 in semis, 1-1 in finals, averages 1,288 PPG
TOP SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 19-12
8-SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 5-15
1 vs 8 IN QUARTERS: 1-seed leads 10-5
BOB/RICH C THIS SEASON: In week nine, Bob got 350 from Rodgers, 380 from Fitzgerald, 396 from Brown and a stunning 478 from Gronkowski, as he whipped Calderon 2,179 – 650. Rich has six players fail to hit 100, including a goose egg from Michael Floyd and -104 from the Colts DST. The 1,529-point margin of victory was the second largest in league history.
BOB/RICH C HISTORY: Calderon actually leads the all-time series 8-7. Bob had Calderon early, taking four of their first five meetings. However, in 2008 Calderon took over, winning seven of their next nine, until this season.
BOB/RICH C PLAYOFF HISTORY: In the post-season, Bob holds a 2-1 lead. As a 2-seed, he eliminated 4-seeded Calderon in the 2004 semis, on his way to earning his first championship. In 2012, 7-seeded Bob upset 10-win and 3-seed Rich in the quarterfinals. However, last year Calderon finally got his revenge. Again as a 2-seed, this time Rich was able to avoid the upset and take down 7-seeded Bob in the quarterfinals in route to his first title. FUN FACT: When these two have faced off in the playoffs, the winner of their game has won the title that season.
(2) QUARTER POUNDERS vs. (7) WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES
2014 RECORD – Colby: 10-3, Griff: 7-6
2014 SCORNG – Colby: 2nd, Griff: 8th
COLBY CAREER PLAYOFF: 5-7 overall, 4-3 in quarters, 1-3 in semis, 0-1 in finals, averages 1,308 PPG
GRIFF CAREER PLAYOFF: 16-11 overall, 8-4 in quarters, 7-1 in semis, 1-6 in finals, averages 1,342 PPG
2-SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 13-13
7-SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 17-12
2 vs 7 IN QUARTERS: 7-seed is a popular upset pick, going 9-6 in round one.
COLBY/GRIFF THIS SEASON: Colby has only four loses all season, but two of them have come via Griff Coomer. In week one, behind 680 points from Peyton Manning and A.J. Green, Griff took down the Pounders, 1673 – 1365. In week 12, both got 420 from their starting quarterbacks, but while Colby only got a solid effort from DeMarco Murray (286), Griff rolled to a 1,878 – 1,509 win behind 408 from Odell Beckham, 242 from A.J. Green and 259 from a Colts DST. FUN FACT: Griff’s two best games in 2014 both came against Colby.
COLBY/GRIFF TEAM HISTORY: Overall, Griff leads the series 9-6, having taken three straight. Last year, Colby swept Griff in the regular season, but lost in the quarterfinals. This will be the second straight year these two will have faced off three times.
COLBY/GRIFF PLAYOFF HISTORY: These two have a long playoff history, as this match up will be their fifth (which is a lot considering this is just Colby’s 11th year in the league). In fact, he will have faced Griff in five of his eight trips to the post-season. The first one was Colby’s first year. Colby was the league’s top scorer in 2004, but Griff was the league’s top seed and the latter pulled off a narrow 47-point win the quarterfinals. The following year, both reached the finals and this time Griff crushed the Pounders, 1882 – 739. The 1,143-point margin remains the largest ass-kicking in title game history.
The pair wouldn’t meet again in the post-season until 2011, when 5-seeded Colby finally prevailed, beating 4-seeded Griff 2,197 – 1,227 in the quarterfinals. Colby’s 2,197 points remains the second most points score in a playoff game. They met for a fourth time last year and with the roles reversed, the 5-seed Griff upended the 4-seed Colby, breaking 2,000 in a 2067 – 1499 victory. Overall, Griff is 3-1 against Colby in the post-season.
(3) MY BALL ZACH ERTZ vs. (6) LYNCH COBB
2014 RECORD – Matt: 8-5, Rob M: 7-6
2014 SCORNG – Matt: 3rd, Rob M: 7th
MATT CAREER PLAYOFF: 6-4 overall, 2-4 in quarters, 2-0 in semis, 2-0 in finals, averages 1,448
ROB M CAREER PLAYOFF: 4-8 overall, 4-4 in quarters, 0-4 in semis, never reached finals, averages 1,469
3-SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 18-13
6-SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 5-14
3 vs 6 IN QUARTERS: The 3-seed is as good as the 1-seed in round one, going 10-5
MATT/ROB M THIS SEASON: Matt had his best game of the season, defeating Masterson, 2275 – 1271. Overall, he had a solid game from just about everyone, but he rode Arian Foster and his 464 points, Eddie Lacy’s 384 and DeMaryius Thomas’ 572. Masterson had solid, but not great games by Matt Ryan (230), Marshawn Lynch (294) and Ben Tate (244), but that’s about it.
MATT/ROB M HISTORY: Overall, Rob leads the series 9-6. After Matt won their first ever contest back in 2007, Masterson would end up taking four of his next five. Since then, they’ve gone back and forth, neither winning back-to-back games against the other since the 2008 season.
MATT/ROB M PLAYOFF HISTORY: This will be their first ever playoff meeting. While Matt has had more overall success (two champions), Masterson has the better record in the first round and has averaged more points per game.
(4) SUPER DUPERS vs. (5) MOLLIPOP
2014 RECORD – Rich B: 8-5, Molly: 7-6
2014 SCORNG – Rich B: 4th, Molly: 6th
RICH B CAREER PLAYOFF: 6-7 overall, 3-5 in quarters, 2-1 in semis, 1-1 in finals, averages 1,315 PPG
MOLLY CAREER PLAYOFF: 3-9 overall, 2-7 in quarters, 1-1 in semis, 0-1 in finals, averages 1,271 PPG
4-SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 13-12
5-SEED IN PLAYOFFS: 15-14
4 vs 5 IN QUARTERS: Surprisingly, the 5-seed has dominated, taking 10-5 in round one.
RICH B/MOLLY THIS SEASON: In week nine, Burrier pulled out a tight one, beating Molly 1417 – 1343. Andrew Luck proved his worth, delivering 476 points, while DeAndre Hopkins produced 290 points. Molly actually got 202 from her sole running back (Chris Johnson) and her three-head receiver monster (Sanders, Holton Sanu) combined for 772, but she only got 199 total from TE, Kicker and DST.
RICH B/MOLLY HISTORY: Both Molly and Rich entered the league together in 2002 and the latter dominated early, taking four of their first five and five of the first seven. However, starting in 2010, Molly took control, winning five straight until this season’s defeat. Overall, Molly leads it 7-6.
RICH B/MOLLY PLAYOFF HISTORY: These two have never faced off in the post-season, but that’s not too surprising, as both have struggled in round one. Both started hot, advancing to the finals in each of their first post-season trip. After winning the title in 2003, Burrier would go seven years without a playoff game, before finding his groove again in 2011. Molly has just one playoff win since losing in the 2002 finals and that one win was just a 982 – 830 quarterfinals win against Eric.
DEEP PLAYOFF THOUGHTS
#1 GRONKOWSKI SCHOOL 2 (BOB)
HOW HE GOT HERE: Between 2006-2011, there was no better team. Six straight nine-win seasons and back-to-back champions, yet despite going to the playoffs in both 2012 and 2013, Bob was no longer the threat, producing back-to-back 6-7 seasons, going 1-2 in the post-season.
2013 looked like it would follow that trend, as Bob started the season losing and producing a weekly low score. However, that would be the low point. He would go on to win his next eight and would end up dropping just two games. Both loses produced winnable scores, including week 13, where Bob became the first 2,000-point loser in league history.
LOOKING AHEAD: Why does Bob look so invincible? Because he is. Right now I would argue he has four players who are the best player at their position. Rodgers has been lights out since week three, producing 32 touchdowns and just three interceptions. That number is 20/0 at home, which matters because Green Bay will play home games in two of their next three.
While Antonio Brown and Rob Gronkowski both delivered first-team All-Robio awards, so did Le’Veon Bell, yet it is the Steelers running back who has dominated since joining the roster, producing back-to-back 500+ games. Notice I haven’t even mentioned Megatron yet? He’s coming off a 400-point performance, he’s the second pick in the draft, yet he’s basically an afterthought on this squad.
If Bob has a hole, it’s at the second running back spot. Andre Ellington is hurt and is now benched, but let’s be honest, since Carson Palmer went down, he’s been just average (his best game was 132 fantasy points). The reality is, insert Lamar Miller in and it might actually be a step up.
ANALYSTS: It’s not only tough seeing this team lose, but it’s hard to imagine Bob’s 2014 squad not ending up as the greatest team in league history. Yet, not all great teams win a mug.
#2 QUARTER POUNDERS (COLBY)
HOW WE GOT HERE: Colby’s thing is quite simple…walk out of the draft with an impressive squad, win the preseason polling, then fail to live up to the expectations. Over the previous seven seasons he’s made the playoffs four times, winning at least one post-season game three times, but he’s also missed the playoffs three times, including 2012 when he was again the preseason favorite.
Coming into 2014, he may not have been the heavy favorite, but he was certainly one of the top dogs coming out of the playoffs. He started the season losing to Griff in a minor upset, but then rolled, winning his next seven in a row. Yet, he stumbled in the end, dropping three of his last five, beating only one playoff team in that stretch (defeating a strong Matt team in week 11). While he me may not be dominating heading into the post-season, he has hit 1,500 in three straight and in the past that’s been a big deal.
LOOKING AHEAD: Decisions…I’m a firm believer that decision-making is poison in fantasy football. It’s cost me at least two titles and it nearly cost Calderon one last year. For Colby, he has some players locked in. Drew Brees and DeMarco Murray are must starts no matter the match up. However, with Rashad Jennings maybe injured and thanks to the depth he has a receiver and tight end, he could start any number of guys between Jeffery, Marshall, Evans, Benjamin and don’t forget about Crowell.
Yet, the key to Colby’s success will need to be at the quarterback spot. This has not been Brees’ best year, as he’s failed to hit 300 points six times this season and that’s not good even with our new scoring system. However, the good news is, Brees has finally showed some life, producing back-to-back 400+ games (throwing eight touchdowns to just one interception). He also has a very favorable schedule, playing the Panthers at home, Bears on the road and then a bad Falcons pass D in week sixteen.
It also wouldn’t hurt Colby if DeMarco got back to producing his MVP numbers. Over the last month, he’s averaged 253 points per game, which is pretty damn good. Yet, in his previous nine games he was averaging 357 PPG and those were the numbers that earned the Cowboys running back an MVP.
ANALYSTS: There is enough talent on this team to deliver a mug. He has the players that can produce stats. However, with all this talent, he’s still dropped three of five (strike one), he’s facing a team he can’t beat in Griff (strike two) and he’s the dreaded 2-seed (strike three).
#3 MY BALL ZACH ERTZ (MATT)
HOW WE GOT HERE: Back in 2009, Matt gave the league the greatest team ever and followed that up with a solid 9-4 team that earned the 3-seed. Primed to earn a third title in four years, he ended being upset by Colby in the quarterfinals. Since then, Neatock has struggled to find his sea legs, going 6-7 the last two seasons, failing to make it to the playoffs when he lost in the season’s final week, despite having what some considered a great team.
Coming into this season, Matt had solid keepers and a good chance to finally expose his talent to the league. He didn’t disappoint as he took his first two, including a week two win over defending champ Calderon. However, he followed that up with a pair of defeats.
Sitting at 2-2, Matt (behind Demaryius Thomas) exploded for 2,275 points in a win over Masterson, which would kick a winning streak into high gear. He would win four in a row, averaging 1,855 points per game that month. Yet in week eight he produced the league’s low score in a loss to Don and from that point on, would struggle with consistency, finishing 2-3 down the stretch.
LOOKING AHEAD: If there’s one team in this league that almost matches Bob player-for-player, starter-for-starter, it’s Matt’s squad. Arian Foster can do what Le’Veon Bell can do, while Dez Bryant and Demaryius Thomas are arguable better than Bob’s Megatron and Antonio Brown. I would even argue Matt has the better DST (Red hot Rams) and at RB2, Eddie Lacy can outproduce anyone Bob can throw into the same spot.
Where Matt lacks is at TE…by a ton. Bob has Gronkowski, while Matt can only put forth Kyle Rudolph or Zach Ertz. Meanwhile at quarterback, Bob has the one and only Aaron Rodgers (with two home games in the playoffs). Matt has Philip Rivers and Mark Sanchez. Both can produce, but both are capable of coming up small.
ANALYSTS: I got Matt penciled in as the second best team in the league (sorry Colby) and if Bob is somehow upset in the quarterfinals or semis, Matt clearly becomes the favorite.
#4 SUPER DUPERS (RICH B)
HOW WE GOT HERE: Coming off one of the worst seasons in league history, things didn’t look good for Rich coming out of the draft and the way the season actually started only seemed to confirm that this one great fantasy stud had lost his mojo. At 0-3, it wasn’t a matter if Burrier would miss the playoffs again, but if he would actually finish last again.
Then the tide turned. Led by three-year keeper Andrew Luck and solid free agent pick up Justin Forsett, Burrier won a pair of contests. Even a week six loss to Matt only seemed like a hiccup, as he would end up finishing the season winning six of his last seven, including a record breaking victory (2117 – 2089) over Bob. When it was all said and done, Rich went from 0-3 to the four-seed. No bad.
LOOKING AHEAD: What Burrier brings to the table is the league’s top quarterback and arguable the best combo of running backs (Matt Forte and Justin Forsett). He’s even got a game-changing defense with the Texans, while kicker Cody Parkey gives Rich four All-Robio players. The problem are his pass catchers. DeAndre Hopkins is capable (596 points last week), but way too inconsistent. The same is true of DeSean Jackson, who is better without RGIII, but he could be hurt. Lastly, Larry Donnell was a decent mid-season pick up, but three of his last six games have been 60 or less.
ANALYSTS: Burrier has the talent to pull off an upset, but it’s hard to see him escaping the semifinals, unless he gets some help by having a lower seed eliminate one of the big boys for him.
#5 MOLLIPOP (MOLLY)
HOW WE GOT HERE: Despite making some questionable draft decisions over the years (particularly in round three), Molly managed to string together three straight winning seasons, but sadly, continued to end her season early in the quarterfinals. With stud back Adrian Peterson leading a trio of stud receivers, 2014 looked bright. She took no prisoners out of the gate, winning her first three, scoring over 1,500 in two of the contests, even though Peterson was suddenly suspended in week two.
However, the lack of an actual starting running back finally started to hurt and she dropped below .500 as losing four straight. Down the stretch, she continued to ride monster performances from Emmanuel Sanders, T.Y. Hilton and Big Ben to win games here and there, before finally winning back-to-back games in the season’s final two weeks.
LOOKING AHEAD: T.Y. Hilton, Emmanuel Sanders and Julio Jones are Molly’s monster three-headed monster, although Julio had been struggling until this past week. There is no question Molly has the goods when it comes to pass catching (go ahead and add in Martellus Bennett into that group). The problem has always been finding a running back.
However, after a season of trying, she now has LeGarrett Blount and Dan Herron to go along with Chris Johnson. These guys can produce 200+ games, but can Molly make the right pick each week?
ANALYSTS: If only Adrian Peterson was reinstated, then I would have actually predicted that Molly shocks the world and runs the table. If only.
#6 LYNCH COBB (ROB M)
HOW WE GOT HERE: After struggling for so long in Robioland, Masterson finally seemed to find his groove, producing winning seasons for three straight years for the first time ever. While he wasn’t considered “The favorite” in my eyes in 2014, he did roll out of the gate with four straight wins, although he never dominated and never cracked 1,500.
Yet, cracks began to show with Ben Tate, Jordan Cameron and Vincent Jackson and suddenly the loses started to add up. He would drop four out of his next five, with the only win coming against pathetic old me.
However, a solid week ten upset over the Quarter Pounders guaranteed Rob a return to the post-season and after a pair of loses to Burrier and Bob, he knocked out Eric in the season’s final week to give himself the six-seed over Griff.
LOOKING AHEAD: You know the season didn’t work out for you when you’re thinking back and kind of wish you had kept Josh Gordon (who was suspended for 12 weeks) over Ben Tate, but that’s where we are at.
Sorry, but Masterson’s squad is the one I like the least. I can’t trust either of his quarterbacks (head case Jay Cutler and Matt “I have no offensive line” Ryan). I think his backs, Mark Ingram and Marshawn Lynch, can do some damage, but Randall Cobb is a WR2, not a WR1 and having Donte Moncreif inserted into your lineup is probably Rob’s best option, but that’s not saying much. Also, don’t get me started on Vernon “worthless” Davis.
ANALYSTS: It looks like it’s going to be one-and-done for Masterson.
#7 WELCOME 2, FLA ASSHOLES (GRIFF)
HOW WE GOT HERE: For the past five years, Griff has done what he always has done…just win, baby, as he currently leads the league with five straight 9-win seasons. However, after three-straight years losing in the quarterfinals starting in 2010, the question was, what happened to “Title Game Coomer?” Well, he returned last year, so what would he do for an encore?
To start the season, he took care of business, upsetting Colby in week one. However, that started to feel like a fluke after losing three straight games, including giving Burrier his first win in 10 weeks in week four (although Burrier ended up proving his worth with his winning ways). Over the next five weeks, Griff would record three victories, yet all three came against teams that would miss the playoffs. The season still reeked of a fluke.
Yet, that changed when Griff knocked out top-seed Bob. In fact, over a three-week period he would defeat Bob, Jeff and Colby, teams that were 1st, 4th and 2nd in scoring at the time. The four-game winning streak locked Griff back into the playoffs for a sixth straight year, although a second loss to Molly in the season’s final week would drop him to the 7-seed.
LOOKING AHEAD: The stars are all here, Peyton Manning, Odell Beckham, A.J. Green and Jimmy Graham (I’m not buying into his last game) are a stud foursome, capable of winning games by themselves. Hell, throw in the Lions DST into that group. However, when your running back situation is worse off than Molly’s, you got trouble. Griff’s going to need “300-point game” Martavis Bryant to show up and not “two catches for 11 yards” Martavis Bryant.
ANALYSTS: I smell an upset cooking in the quarterfinals, but it’s tough to spot a title contender in this collection.
#8 THE DICK-TATERS (RICH C)
HOW WE GOT HERE: Defending a title is hard work, something Calderon would never know about until this season. Of course, it started off easy as he crushed Jeff in week one, breaking 1,600. Yet, that would be the highlight for a long time. He dropped his next three, including a pair to Don and myself (two teams who would not get to the playoffs). Even when he won in weeks five and six, it wasn’t impressive, as he scored just 1,023 and 1,076 in those victories. He would go on to lose his next two and was sitting outside the playoffs at 3-5, last in scoring.
In week nine, Rich finally got back on track, breaking 1,500 in a win over Masterson and then took down a upstart Burrier squad. It looked like he righted the ship, but then he got taken down by another pair of losing teams (Jeff and Eric). In week 13, the defending champ needed to either win or stay even and outscore Don. Luckily for him, he did both, producing his best game of the year. Ironically, Rich’s two best games were in the first week and last week of the season.
LOOKING AHEAD: Let’s be honest, there have been some long stretches this year where this team was just plan awful. Matt Stafford has looked bad in his new offense, minus Megatron. LeSean McCoy talked about 2,000 before the season and is now lucky to have 1,000. Zac Stacy was a major bust and his replacement (Tre Mason) isn’t reminding anyone of Marshall Faulk. Now Julius Thomas is down and Jeremy Hill is back on the bench.
Yet, everything came together last week as every player put up solid numbers, giving Rich his top point total of the season. Was this a sign of things to come? Was that weekly high score the beginning of something great? Or was he just like high school Robio Murray and peaking too early?
ANALYSTS: I woudn’t blame Bob if he was a little worried. 8-seeds win, even bad ones and Calderon has pulled it off before, but I think he peaked too early.
WORTHLESS PREDICTIONS
QUARTERFINALS:
(1) GRONKOWSKI SCHOOL 2 OVER (8) THE DICK-TATERS
Both coming off 2,000-point games, but only one was a fluke. The defending champ’s dream of a repeat ends early.
(2) WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES OVER (7) QUARTER POUNDERS
There’s always one shocker and more often than not, it’s the 7-seed over the 2-seed.
(3) MY BALL ZACH ERTZ OVER (6) LYNCH COBB
Masterson beat out Matt for best team name. That’s the only thing Rob will beat Matt at this season.
(5) MOLLIPOP OVER (4) SUPER DUPERS
Both teams have the talent to ride to the finals, but only one can win. Look for Molly to make the right RB decision.
SEMIFINALS
(1) GRONKOWSKI SCHOOL 2 OVER (5) MOLLIPOP
I can see it now. Bob drops a bunch of “women” jokes, Molly takes offense, but declares she’s not offended in her response six months later. Molly keeps it close, but Bob squeezes by for a low scoring win.
(3) MY BALL ZACH ERTZ OVER (2) WELCOME 2 FLA, ASSHOLES
The dream of a Coomer vs. Coomer title game finally coming true will once again have to wait a year. Griff can get lucky once, but not twice.
FINALS
(3) MY BALL ZACH ERTZ OVER (1) GRONKOWSKI SCHOOL 2 OVER
A title game that features two teams that are 5-0 in the title game. That’s something worth playing attention to. I like points being scored, I like Matt being within striking distance heading into Monday night. He’ll have Demaryius Thomas left to play, down about 240 points. Thomas delivers 88 yards and a TD by the end of the third quarter.
Just four points down, Matt needs just one two-yard reception. Early in the fourth, Thomas catches a bubble screen, but loses a couple of yards. Still, a four-yard reception is possible. Yet, holding a touchdown lead over the Bengals, the Broncos decide to milk the clock with C.J. Anderson, who is having a monster day with 164 yards and two TDs.
Oh shit. Time is running down. One more first down and the Broncos can kneel. Yet, suddenly, Manning drops back and tosses a slant pass to Thomas. It’s caught. He’s tackled for a five-yard gain. First down. Ball game. Matt wins 1,688 – 1,666. Neatock earns a third mug. Bob punches Hillary Duff after the commissioner points out that if he would have had C.J. Anderson and not Le’Veon Bell, he would have won by over 100. This title game gets a write up and is called “The Irony Ball” from this day forth.
OTHER WORTHLESS PREDICTIONS
I’m not the only non-playoff team with an opinion. Here are Eric, Jeff and Don’s predictions (Note: they did not see mine).
ERIC VOZZOLA’S PREDICTIONS
| QUARTERFINALS | SEMIFINALS | FINALS |
|---|---|---|
| First round, Coomers represent Florida | Semis, the big dogs show who's boss | Title, last-minute trades pay off |
| (1) BOB over (8) RICH C (5) MOLLY over (4) RICH B (3) MATT over (6) ROB M (7) GRIFF over (2) COLBY | (1) BOB over (7) GRIFF (3) MATT over (5) MOLLY | (1) BOB over (3) MATT |
JEFF GREENBLATT’S PREDICTIONS
| QUARTERFINALS | SEMIFINALS | FINALS |
|---|---|---|
| (8) RICH C over (1) BOB (4) RICH B over (5) Molly (3) MATT over (6) ROB M (2) COLBY over (7) Griff | (2) COLBY over (8) RICH C (4) RICH B over (3) MATT | (2) COLBY over (4) RICH B |
DON VOZZOLA’S PREDICTIONS
| QUARTERFINALS | SEMIFINALS | FINALS |
|---|---|---|
| (1) BOB over (8) RICH C (5) Molly over (4) RICH B (6) ROB M over (3) MATT (2) COLBY over (7) Griff | (1) BOB over (6) ROB M (2) COLBY over (5) MOLLY | (1) BOB over (2) COLBY |