It’s official, Robioland Football is old enough to go see an NC-17 film. That’s right, we are officially beginning year 17, yet, if Bob continues to dominate this league like he has, we’re going to be renaming it, Bobioland.
Recently, Mr. Castrone finally released his film Flock of Dudes obviously in honor of my love for Flock of Seagulls, but let’s be honest, that film, no matter how many fans “flock” to the theaters to see it (see what I did there?), it still will only be the second greatest accomplishment of Bob’s past 12 months.
The first without a doubt would be the greatest fantasy team in Robioland history (if stats are your thing) winning the championship with the greatest game in league history. If you’ve forgotten about that game, here’s the summary…
In that contest, Matt Neatock was just one-point down to Bob heading into the fourth quarter, who had zero players remaining. Meanwhile, Neatock had Demaryius Thomas (who had just caught six balls in the third quarter) and the Broncos kicker. Stunningly, neither of Matt’s players produced a single point in that fourth quarter, as Peyton Manning decided it was a good time to up his interception total for the season. Thomas did catch one ball that gave Matt the lead, but he was called for offensive pass interference. Later, he would drop a ball that hit him between the numbers. Ball game.
When it was all said and done, Bob won his fourth career championship and third title in five years, continuing a Castrone Dynasty nearly on par with what Belechick and the Patriots have done in the NFL.
Of course, 2014 was a record breaking year for a lot of different reasons as scoring continues to rise. I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see more records fall this coming season as defense continues to be eliminated from the NFL.
For now, let’s go ahead and do what we always do and rank you fuckers based on your careers in Bobioland.
1. BOB CASTRONE
After earning back-to-back titles in 2010-11, Bob jumped me for the number one spot, even though at the time his points per game wasn’t even in the top-five. However, after I earned my fourth title in 2012, I put myself back in front. Well, we’re flipping the Bob-Rob’s again, because after producing the greatest season in league history (while I missed the playoffs), it’s clear who is the king of the mountain.
In reality, I probably should have never dropped Bob. He’s now first in winning percentage and up to second in scoring all-time. He has four league titles in just 12 seasons in Robioland and he hasn’t missed the playoffs since 2005. Think about that. In the same time frame Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner got married, had two kids and got divorced, Bob has not missed the post-season.
On top of all that, he’s second in playoff winning percentage and playoff points per game, second in 1,500 and 1,000-point games and third in weekly high score percentage.
2. ROBIO MURRAY
We all know the record book is filled with the name Robio. I’m first in points (even if we just include post-2003 stats) and second in wins. I’m first in 1,500 point games, 1,000-point games and weekly high scores. More importantly, I’ve managed to turn solid regular seasons into impressive post-season runs, as I’ve been to a stunning seven title games, winning four (most recently in 2012). In fact, I’ve still only lost in the quarterfinals just once, going 21-7 overall in the playoffs. The issue for me, is reaching those playoffs.
I’ve really become a feast or famine fantasy player. I either put together a championship squad or the league’s worst team. Since 2004, I’ve earned two top-seeds, two scoring titles, made four trips to the finals and won that one I mentioned early…yet, I’ve also missed the playoffs five times, twice earning the top pick in the draft (including this upcoming draft). If it shows anything, it’s that I lack the ability to fix a broken team right now.
3. GRIFF COOMER
While we’re in the mist of the Bob Castrone Dynasty, it’s easy to overlook how good Griff has been lately. He’s been one of the studs since the beginning of the league, but over the last six years, he’s the only person who has won at least eight games each season and he hasn’t missed the playoffs since 2008. That would be pretty damn impressive if it wasn’t for Bob production.
Overall, Griff is still third in winning percentage, third in scoring and is top-five in most important categories. He’s first all-time in playoff games (29), recently passing me and his seven title game appearances are tied with me for most. Of course the knock is, he’s only won one of those seven. He also has only mustered two top seeds and one career scoring title, which seems surprising considering how successful his teams have been.
Yet, I want to end on a high note. Griff has made the playoffs 13 times. That means he’s missed the post-season party just three times. Oddly, the three years he’s missed the playoffs, all three years his opponent led the league in points against. Meaning, one or two of those non-playoff teams were probably good enough to be playoff teams.
4. RICH CALDERON
Calderon learned one solid lesson last year…defending your title…it’s tough, baby. Of course it didn’t help that his team against Bob was like Tina Turner taking on Ike. Sure Rich didn’t win back-to-back titles, didn’t even get back to .500 and nearly had the season’s lowest point total in 2014 (until a late season surge), but you know what, he made it back to the post-season and that’s the seventh time in eight seasons he’s done that.
While last year’s struggles hurt him in career points per game (actually falling three spots behind Bob, Colby and Matt to sixth in the league), he’s still a solid fourth in wins, fifth in post-season victories, sixth in 1500-point games and fourth in 1000-point games. He’s also all alone in lowest percentage of weekly low scores (3.2%), having produced just five in 158 regular season games.
5. MATT NEATOCK
“God hates me.” Matt (via text message).
Last season’s team proved to be Matt’s best since his 2009 championship quad, winning 10 games and coming up just two points shy of earning a stunning upset and third championship. That kind of season gets him back to my good graces after a trio of unimpressive seasons.
The reality is, Matt’s standing in this league is always a little tough to figure out. He’s a guy who has missed the playoffs five times since 2004, missed back-to-back post-seasons prior to 2014 and last year was his first winning record since 2010. Yet, he has those two championship mugs (and a third title game trip) and that’s what puts him on top of the folks below him on these rankings.
In fact, Matt and Colby are deadlocked in career points per game (1,311) and total winning percentage (.503). What separates the two of them is that Matt is 8-5 in the post-season, while Colby is 5-8. Speaking of Colby…
6. COLBY HALL
I actually have Colby, Masterson and Molly in the same group, i.e “good teams that have never won a title.” Jeff and Eric haven’t won titles either, but they remain in a really bad class by themselves. Anyhow, back to Colby/Rob/Molly. You strip away the names and just look at the numbers and it’s tough to tell them apart. So the reality is, what they’ve done lately plays a big part in their current rankings.
Colby is coming off his best season in his career (at least according to my math). In fact, he’s had a nice five-year run, where he’s made it to the post-season four times, winning at least eight games in all four of those years. The only real knock are his recent post-season woes, as he hasn’t won a playoff game since 2011 and he hasn’t advanced past the semis since 2005.
Currently, he’s tied with Matt for fourth in points scored, tied with Matt for sixth in winning percentage. He has scored over 1500 points in 25.5% of his games, which is fourth best in the league and his 86.6% scoring over 1000 is third best (behind only myself and Bob). Best yet, he’s had plenty of success despite the fact that his opponents are third in points scored in both the regular season and post-season.
7. ROB MASTERSON
Last year Masterson didn’t have a lot to work with, yet still managed to scored nearly 17,000 points and win seven games, the fourth straight year he’s had a winning record in the regular season. He also made it back to the playoffs, something he’s done four straight years and five out of six. That may not sound like a huge deal in a league where 67% of the teams each season make the playoffs, but based on Rob’s early years in Robioland…it’s huge.
He’s up to seventh in scoring (producing the second best scoring total in two out of his last four seasons) and while he’s still only 10th in winning percentage, he’s firmly moved away from the Eric/Jeff territory he was once stuck in. While he’s only seventh in 1000-point games, he is third all-time in 1500-point games. Of course, the wins not piling high may have something to do with the fact that he remains first in opponents scoring. This is most evident in the playoffs. Rob averages 1,441 points per game in the post-season, fourth best in the league, yet he only has a .308 winning percentage in the playoffs thanks to his opponents averaging 1,486 post-season points per game (second highest behind Molly). In fact, he has just one playoff win since 2004.
8. MOLLY COOMER
Any girl stuck married to Griff deserves some luck in fantasy football
Like Masterson above, Molly has rolled off four straight winning regular seasons (the last three were all 7-6) and last year she even did the unthinkable…won a playoff game (only her second post-season win since 2003). Yet, in the grouping of “best teams to not win a title” — Colby, Rob and Molly), I will once again place her on the back-end, despite the fact her .543 winning percentage is the highest of the three.
Scoring remains the biggest hurdle, as she’s just ninth in the league. She has cracked the top-five in scoring in a season just once out of her last five (although that one year she did, 2011, she earned the scoring title). She’s 8th in 1500-point games and 7th in 1000-point games (both behind Colby/Rob). She’s also just 10th in weekly high scores.
Yet, her opponents continue to not put up the biggest challenge. For her career, her opponents have averaged just 1,248 PPG, the lowest in the league. Although proving payback is a bitch, her opponents average a stunning 1,499 PPG (a 271 point increase) in the post-season, which helps explain why she has just four career playoff wins in 13 seasons.
9. RICHARD BURRIER
After a rough 0-3 start to the season (and riding a nine-game losing streak), Burrier’s squad performed a stunning turnaround in 2014, as he finished 8-2 down the stretch as one of the top scoring teams in the league, before falling victim to a quarterfinals upset to Molly. One would thing that with last season’s success, plus the fact Rich has actually made it to the post-season four out of five years, plus those early season successes and that one title would put Burrier higher on the list…but I’m just not ready to buy into it just yet.
For his career, he’s 8th in both wins and scoring, which is pretty damn low considering how good his teams were when he had Tomlinson (four straight division titles, one title). His post-season record hasn’t been that impressive, winning just three of his last 11, since winning it all back in 2003. He’s 8th in 1500-point games and the fact that 23.3% of his games have been below 1,000 does him no favors. Only Jeff is worse and if we can put Eric ahead of you in a category, something is not right. He is fourth in weekly high scores, but he’s also 10th in weekly low scores. Of course it hasn’t help his cause that his opponents have scored the second most points (behind just Masterson).
10. DON VOZZOLA
The elder Vozzola may never have been a true star in this league, but you had to pay attention to him. The fact is, after some early career struggles, he did crash the post-season eight straight years (only Bob Castrone can say they’ve done that). During that stretch, he delivered a top-seed, won a scoring title and became the first 7-seed to win a championship (twice).
Yet, since coming one win shy of a trip to the title game in 2011, Don has fallen flat on his ass. He’s failed to make the playoffs the previous three seasons, becoming only the third person to achieve that (Eric and Jeff are the others). And it’s not like he’s had a good team that just couldn’t catch a break, as he has been 10th, 9th and 11th in scoring during this stretch. Not good.
At this point he’s just struggling to stay out of the Eric/Jeff tier, currently sitting 10th in scoring, 9th in winning percentage. He’s 10th in 1500-point games, 8th in 1000-point games, 9th in weekly high scores and actually tied for last with Eric in weekly low scores. All these struggles despite the fact his opponents are just 10th in the league in scoring and ninth in post-season scoring.
11. JEFF GREENBLATT
Sometimes when you’re struggling, it’s tough to break a funk. Jeff actually had an impressive scoring year in 2014. His 17,979 were a career high (finishing fifth in the league). Yet he could only muster an awful three wins and missed the playoffs for the fifth time in seven solo seasons.
Right now, he stays out of the official basement because even though he’s been as bad as Eric, Eric has been bad for so much longer. Anyhow, currently, Jeff is 11th in scoring, last in wins (.372). He’s obviously still shutout in the playoff win category (0-2). He’s 11th in 1500-point games, last in 1000-point games (failing to hit 1000 in nearly one out of four games). He’s 11th in weekly high scores and eight in weekly low scores, which is actually pretty impressive for him. He has struggled despite the fact his opponents are just 8th in points scored against, which doesn’t help his case.
12. ERIC VOZZOLA
Man, what a fluke that 2012 proved to be. I’m actually sort of glad Eric didn’t win it all that year. I hate flukes. Wrapped around that impressive 2012 season, Eric has put together an awful four years of football. Prior to 2012, he went just 3-23. After that 2012 season, he’s gone just 8-18, as he’s coming off back-to-back 4-9 seasons. He’s now missed the playoffs in 10 of his 14 years in this league.
He’s currently last in points scored, second-to-last in winning percentage. He’s last in 1500-point games (hitting that mark in just 13% of his games), while he’s second-to-last in 1000-point games. He’s last in both weekly high scores and weekly low scores. Anyhow, maybe next year…but probably not.