You keep ’em, I rank ’em. That’s how this works.
1. THE DICK-TATERS (RICH CALDERON)
DeMarco Murray, RB | TEN – Round 3
Jordan Reed, TE | WAS – Round 9
Matt Ryan, QB | ATL – Round 11
DEEP THOUGHTS
When you’re serving up keepers, you really want to nail down three legit starters and that’s what Calderon has on his plate. DeMarco Murray returned to stud status last year, earning an All-Robio award. Yes, he’s still got Henry taking some carries away, but Murray remains a must start.
In category two, Jordan Reed is the big question mark. When healthy, he’s arguable the best tight end in football. The problem is, he’s as brittle as a toy you buy in a bubble gum machine at the grocery store. In five seasons, he has yet to play a full 16, missing a total of 18 games. He’s still a must-keep, but he’s also a “must-draft a second TE for when Reed gets hurt” kind of keeper.
Down deep in category three we have Matty Ice. Calderon traded for him in week six of last year and he paid off bigly. Not only did he finish as the third best arm in football last year, but Rich gets to enjoy his services this year and next in round 11.
Like I said, three starters, plus Calderon still gets to use his first two picks (12/13 overall) and seven of his first eight picks. There is no reason for him not to be elite again in 2017.
2. TRUCK NUTS (GRIFF COOMER)
Isaiah Crowell, RB | CLE – Round 5
David Johnson, RB | ARI – Round 10
Michael Thomas, WR | NO – Round 11
DEEP THOUGHTS
Despite having David Johnson last year in round ten, it wasn’t enough to put the defending champ back into the postseason. Yet, he remains arguable the best fantasy back in football and Griff can ride him one more season.
Much like Griff’s sexual conquest abilities, Crowell doesn’t get the respect he probably deserves. He had around 1,300 total yards last year, adding 40 catches to his 198 carries. That’s what it comes down to…touches. He averaged 4.8 yards per carry last year, but he needs the ball more. 198 carries isn’t enough to be a true RB1.
As a rookie, Michael Thomas was a legit starter, catching 92 balls on the season, which is amazing since he only got 122 targets. Don’t get me wrong, 122 is a fine number, but with Cooks gone, one has to suspect he’ll get a lot more looks in 2017, which means he can go from a solid WR2 to an elite WR1.
3. BROWN ‘N SERVIN IT (ERIC VOZZOLA)
Antonio Brown, WR | PIT – Round 1
Sterling Shepard, WR | NYG – Round 8
Jordan Howard, RB | CHI – Round 15
DEEP THOUGHTS
Antonio Brown in the first in a no-brainer, especially when Eric’s other category one options consist of players like Thomas Rawls and Jeremy Langford. Ouch. As long as Big Ben stays off his back, Brown remains one of the elite of the elite wide receivers.
Sterling Shepard in round 8. Really? Okay. Fantasy Football Calculator ADP has him going in round 13. This might be the definition of a reach.
Anyhow, the cream of the crop. that rises to the top, never eats a pig, cause a pig is a cop is Jordan Howard. Think about it, his numbers were only behind Zeke’s last year because he wasn’t starting until Langford got hurt. Yet, where Elliot gets kept in round one, Eric gets a top-10 back in round 15. He can thank Colby for that (payback for Jeffrey’s all those year), as Howard proved to be arguable the best free agent pick up in 2016. That’s called spending $56 wisely.
4. FONDLING MY FORTE (ROB MASTERSON)
Tom Brady, QB | NE – Round 4
Terrelle Pryor, WR | WAS – Round 7
Jimmy Graham, TE | SEA – Round 13
I guess it is a good thing the Jets will probably go 2-14 this season, so Rob can openly and proudly cheer for Tom Brady each week. Rob won the Brady sweepstakes last year, when the Pats QB fell four rounds due to a suspension. I see no reason why he won’t continue to be a fantasy stud in 2017.
Rob had a lot of solid options in category two. At running back, both LaGarrette Blount and Dion Lewis could surprise us and produce RB2 numbers. Mark Ingram is still getting lots of props on the ADP, despite the presence of Peterson. Davante Adams was a stud in Green Bay last year and is projected to be a third-round pick in our draft this season. Instead, Rob went with Pryor.
Go ahead and put me down as a Terrelle Pryor fan-boy. I love the former college quarterback-turned-professional wide receiver. Last year he caught 77 balls for over 1,000 yards in the graveyard that is Cleveland. Just imagine what he can do with a real quarterback throwing him the ball in Washington.
Last year, Masterson snagged Jimmy Graham off the wire and finished the year with the league’s third best tight end. You’re welcome, since I drafted him and cut him.
5. THE HYPE IS REAL (RICHARD BURRIER)
Devonta Freeman, RB | ATL – Round 4
Jay Ajayi, RB | MIA – Round 6
DEEP THOUGHTS
This seemed like such a bad pick at the time.
Burrier is keeping only two and that’s all he really needs. According to their average draft position, Rich is getting a first-round pick in round four and a second-round pick in round six.
Although, it doesn’t mean Rich has two All-Robio backs locked up. Freeman was playing second fiddle to Trevor Coleman for too much of the 2016 season and I don’t see the Falcons moving away from that share.
As for Ajayi, he scored a stunning 2,884 fantasy points in his final 11 games (when he became a starter). That’s 262 points per game and that’s elite status. However, 1,824 of those points came in just four games. He averaged just 151 PPG in the other seven. That’s not so elite.
6. OH, IT’S HAPPENING SWEETHEART (MATT NEATOCK)
Todd Gurley, RB | LAR – Round 4
Marcus Mariota, QB | TEN – Round 9
Carson Wentz, QB | PHI – Round 14
DEEP THOUGHTS
Last year, Matt basically gave up Julio Jones for Todd Gurley. He didn’t do it for last year, he did it for this year. With a new coach, can Gurley find any holes to run through? If so, pencil him next to the top pick in the draft (Bell?). I haven’t seen a duo that scary since Two Girls and a Cup.
In the second half of the 2016 season, Mariota was putting up some impressive numbers, so the Titans have gone all in trying to improve their passing game. I have to assume Neatock has him as his day one starter at QB. I would. His 2016 second half was damn impressive and he looks primed for a top-six finish among arms.
As for keeping Wentz..yeah, good luck trading him. In reality, this just shows you how delusional one can be. Matt has tried to trade Wentz, a QB he has claimed to be elite to one person and top-15 to me, but CBS has him ranked 24th. That seems a little low to me, but at best I would consider him a backup QB, who I might play if the match up was right. Yet, somehow Matt thinks he’s worthy of Jordy Nelson. Jordy FUCKING Nelson!
7. REVENGE OF THE ‘BURBS (ROBIO MURRAY)
Carlos Hyde, RB | SF – Round 3
Ty Montgomery, RB | GB – Round 7
Jordy Nelson, WR | GB – Round 11
DEEP THOUGHTS
Miss me, bro?
In all honesty, I have no clue what the fuck I have. I do know I’m going to have to be a Packers fan this year. For me, it’s start at the bottom, where I have Jordy Nelson. Coming off a ACL tear, the great white hope had a slow start to 2016, yet towards the end, he was the bomb, actually finishing sixth among all hands, earning me a third-team All-Robio award.
In category one and two, I have a pair of “high ceiling, low floor” backs. Last year, Hyde was actually pretty decent when he wasn’t sitting due to injury and I would feel comfortable starting him in week one. As for Montgomery, I never really believed in him, but he kept proving me wrong and the Packers have declared him their main back. But let’s not kid ourselves..couldn’t you see both Hyde and Montgomery benched by midseason? That’s the problem I have.
8. DICK McBALLFARTS (BOB CASTRONE)
Julio Jones, WR | ATL – Round 1
Michael Crabtree, WR | OAK – Round 10
DEEP THOUGHTS
Last year Bob shipped off a struggling Todd Gurley and some spare parts for Julio. While the trade did not lead to a fifth championship, one could almost argue Bob still has the better of the deal. No offense to Gurley, but Jones, when healthy, is that good. However, point deduction for using a first-round pick on a keeper.
Back in round 10, Crabtree will prove to be a solid WR2. He’s a projected fifth-round pick in a non-keeper league, so value, value, value. Of course, you’re welcome, since I’m the moron that drafted him and cut him.
Yet, Bob’s not going to just get my love. He decided to pass on Tyreek Hill, who, when he’s not beating up his pregnant girlfriend, proved to be one of the more exciting players during the second half of the 2016 season. I project he’s going to get drafted as early as our third round, but Bob passed on him in the 7th.
9. NO RESPECT (JEFF GREENBLATT)
Melvin Gordon, RB | SD – Round 3
Jameis Winston, QB | TB – ROund 15
DEEP THOUGHTS
Keeping Melvin Gordon (rd 3) over Drew Brees (rd 4) is a no-brainer. He was a big reason Jeff finally tasted some success last year and playing in front of a sellout crowd of 27,000 people outside of Los Angeles should only make him better.
Jameis Winston was flirting with starter status last year and with a new, gigantic tight end (O.J. Howard) and a speedy veteran receiver (DeSean Jackson), he’s expected to make a big leap forward. The question is, does Jeff have him penciled in as a starter or does he swing for another arm earlier in the draft?
I’m a little surprised Greenblatt passed on Delanie Walker in the ninth round. Sure he’s getting old, but he finished 2016 as the fourth best tight end and with the Titans looking to pass it around more in 2017, he might actually reproduce those numbers.
10. YINZLIZEBURGERS (MARC PATTINI)
Brandin Cooks, WR | NE – Round 2
Bilal Powell, RB | NYJ – Round 9
Derek Carr, QB | OAK – Round 12
DEEP THOUGHTS
Mark enters the league taking over a Molly, a person incapable of bettering her team for the future (remember, she went 12 years without performing a trade). Yet, the house Pattini’s entering wasn’t empty.
The deep stud is Derek Carr. In just his third season in the league, the Raiders arm finished as the league’s fifth best quarterback and heading into 2017, he’s still got a pair of stud receivers (Cooper, Crabtree) to toss the ball to.
Brandin Cooks is a bit of a mystery and a risky one at that in the second round. Yet, this is a guy who had back-to-back 1,100 yards in a system that liked to get the ball to a ton of different hands. In a league with no keepers, his ADP is early third, which means if you include our keepers, he’s projected to a mid-second rounder. So yes, value. The question is, when was the last time Brady made a deep ball receiver any good?
Lastly and the real mystery of the group is Powell. Let’s be real, he’s clearly the best back on the Jets, but will they put him over Matt Forte on the depth chart? The dude averaged 5.8 yards per carry last year, had 58 catches and dominated at times when Forte was out injured. If Powell can get the start, he’s a lock for Marc’s RB2 spot.
10. QUARTER POUNDERS (COLBY HALL)
Travis Kelce, TE | KC – Round 4
Jamison Crowder, WR | WAS – Round 7
Tevin Coleman, RB | ATL – Round 13
DEEP THOUGHTS
Sort of a tough unit to judge here. Travis Kelce is stud meat in round four. I think he finishes first among all tight ends in 2017. Yes, even ahead of Gronkowski. In category two, Jamison Crowder is a bit of a mystery. With Garcon and DeSean gone from Washington, someone has to catch the ball that are thrown by Kirk Cousins.
Yet, who will be the number one target? I think it comes down to Pryor or Crowder. I’d put my money on Pryor, but it’s hard to go against Crowder. Despite playing third fiddle last year, he got 98 targets last year, nearly hit 900 yards and scored seven times.
Last, but not least we have Trevor Coleman. He sort of came out of nowhere in 2016 and for a good six-week stretch early in the season was the better of the two backs in Atlanta. He finished #21 among all runners, despite missing three weeks due to injury. I think he’s a solid RB2, but as long as Freeman is healthy, Coleman will remain a (really) hit or (really) miss prospect.
11. ZEKE SQUAD (DON VOZZOLA)
Ezekiel Elliot, RB | DAL – Round 1
DEEP THOUGHTS
A week ago, a hull that only included Elliot wouldn’t be so tragic. He’s arguable one of the best fantasy backs in football, but thanks to a 6-game suspension (being appealed), Don’s going to have to wait to ride his prize. Yet, it’s who Don didn’t keep that makes me shake my head.
Why no love for Matt Stafford? He was a top-10 fantasy arm last year and he’s been down-right amazing since Billy Bob Cooter took over as offensive coordinator midway through the 2015 season. I’d be psyched if I could land Stafford in round 11, where Don could have kept him.
If not Stafford, then why not Alfred Morris? With Elliot suspended, he potentially could be the handcuff that could start for six games. Sure, it might be McFadden, but still, isn’t a 14th rd pick worth the risk?