How Low Can You Go?

How bad can it get? It’s not a rhetorical question. It’s a serious one and it’s one we know the answer to.

It’s 757.

That number: It’s an model of aircraft. It’s a typical season ending score for Calderon. It’s the number of times Matt has jerked off to his championship mugs (just this week). It’s also the final score of a game. No, not one team’s final score, but a combined score put together by two awful teams way back in 2003.

That week was the third of a young season. Robio Murray was you’re defending champ and the league had just welcomed four new MTV trolls into the mix (Matt, Bob, Calderon and Jeff). Molly was in her second year in the league. Her rookie campaign produced a 10-win regular season and a trip to the finals. She began the 2003 season though with a loss, falling to division rival Griff, 1,657 – 906. The following week, she struggled to score again, but walked away with a 1,077 – 814 victory over Eric.

Yet, her struggles were nothing compared to Don’s. The senior Vazzola was entering his third season in Robioland Football. After missing the playoffs in his rookie year, he rebounded in 2002, winning eight games, his division, but getting bumped out of the playoffs by Masterson in the quarterfinals as a dreaded two-seed.

However, he didn’t just stumble out of the gate in 2003…he fell flat on his face and proceeded to get curbed stomped. He lost an embarrassing 960 – 603 game to Eric to begin the year and then followed that up with a even worse 692 – 505 defeat to Griff. Two weeks in and he scored just 1,108 points, going 0-2 with two weekly low scores. At least it couldn’t get any worse, right? Right?

Yeah, about that…

(1-1) MOLLY POP VS (0-2) GATOR NATION | WEEK THREE, 2003

This matchup was going to start off slow. Molly had three players going during the 1pm games; first round pick, Deuce McAllister, tight end Billy Miller (Texans) and Buccaneers’ kicker, Martin Gramatica. Meanwhile, Don only had a pair of players on the field; the Falcons’ running back Warrick Dunn and wide receiver, Jabar Gaffney (Texans), who was a bye-week replacement for the Bears’ Marty Booker.

Well, both team’s running backs set the tone early. The Falcons were crushed by the Buccaneers, 31-10 and Don’s Warrick Dunn accomplished nothing. He only rushed for seven years on nine carries. Luckily, he caught four balls for 20 yards and finished the day with just 28 points. Yet, Dunn’s game was a day in paradise compared to Molly’s Deuce McAllister. The Saints lost to the Titans on the road, 27-12. IN defeat, McAllister had just 11 yards on a 14 touches, finishing -6 for the game.

Down in Houston, the Texans were beating the Jaguars, 24-20, but neither Molly or Don got much fantasy production from their Texan. Tight end Billy Miller scored just 14 points (two catches, eight yards) for Molly, while Don managed to get 74 points from Gaffney (five catches for 42 yards). The only halfway decent news for Molly was kicker, Gramatica. He recorded four extra points and a 24-yard field in a Tampa, leading her 1pm players with 70 points.

EARLY GAME SCORE
MOLLY (five players left): 78 points
DON (six players left): 102 points

Heading into the afternoon slate, Don had a 24-point lead in a low scoring affair, with one extra player. While Molly only had one 4pm player (Brett Favre traveling to Arizona), Don had four players, including first-round pick Marshall Faulk, star receiver Donald Driver, Redskins kicker John Hall and the Packers defense (a bye-week replacement for the Eagles DST).

Of course, this is when things started to unravel for Don. While Molly got a solid performance from Brett Favre (he scored 240 points, after completing 23 of 33 passes for 240 yards, one touchdown, one interception), Don’s four players screwed the pooch, unable to combine enough points to outscore Favre. Donald Drive led all afternoon scorers for Don, with 50 yards on four catches (92 fantasy points). Kicker Hall made two field goals, but missed two others and finished with 40 fantasy points. The Packers defense only gave up 24 points, but allowed over 350 yards and forced just one turnover, finishing the day with -3 points. Yet, it was the star of this team that failed the most. Marshall Faulk against Seattle had just 37 yards on 16 touches (42 fantasy points), before being knocked out of the game in the third quarter with a broken hand.

AFTERNOON GAME SCORE
MOLLY (four players left): 318
DON (two players left): 273

Heading into Sunday night, a couple things were becoming clear. Molly was probably going to win (she had four more players left to play to Don’s two, plus a small the lead) and neither team was going to break 1,000. While there was a good chance that both teams were going to put up extremely bad performances, there was no reason to suspect a record breaking performance.

First, the record for lowest score belong to me. In my first game ever in Robioland Football, I scored just 280 points. Molly had already passed that and Don was just seven points away (with two players, including a quarterback, left to play). Now the record for least amount of combined points in a game was 1,039 (David v Jon, 2000) and they could certainly challenge that record, but that would require their six remaining players to average just 74 fantasy points. Let’s just say it was unlikely…in most games. This wasn’t most games.

Sunday night, Molly and Don each had a pair of players in the Buffalo/Miami game being played down south. Molly was rolling with the Bills wide receiver Eric Moulds and recent free agent pick up, Charles Rogers, who replaced Charlie Rogers (ironic). On the flip side, Don had Bills tight end Jay Riemersma and quarterback Drew Bledsoe. Don had drafted Donovan McNabb in round three, but after zero touchdowns and three interceptions in the season’s first two weeks, Don skipped the whole benching process and just cut the bastard, picking up Bledsoe to start. At the very least, with a quarterback on the field, Don had an outside shot to catch Molly.

Well, the game proved to be a fantasy nightmare. The Dolphins would win 17-7 and WR Rogers would deliver 146 fantasy points (38 yards receiving, 41 yards rushing) for Molly. For the Bills, the only points came via an interception return in the third quarter. The Bills offense (that again featured three players playing this week in this matchup) produced just 133 total yards. Molly only got 56 points (2 catches, 30 yards) from Moulds, but hell, those numbers Don could only dream about.

Jay Riemersma had 52 points (two catches for 28 yards), while Bledsoe would seal Don’s fate into history. The Bills QB threw for just 98 yards, no touchdowns, two interceptions, getting sacked four times. He finished the night with -62 points.

SUNDAY NIGHT SCORE
MOLLY (two players left): 520
DON (no players left): 263

Don’s 263 was a new record low. The only question moving forward was, would Molly and Don combine for the worst combined score? Yes. Yes they would. On Monday night, Molly got just six points (1o total yards on seven touches) from Raiders running back Charlie Gardner and the Raiders defense, gave up 31 points and 384 yards, finishing with -28 points.

FINAL SCORE
MOLLY: 494
DON: 263

Finally, this tragic event was over. At the time, Molly’s 494 was the third worst single game ever. To this day, it’s still the sixth lowest ever. Don…well, he broke a record I thought would never be broken. His 263 remains the lowest point total in league history. On top of that, their combined 757 remains the lowest combined score by almost 300 points.

Molly caught a break that day and those breaks would continue all season long. Despite finishing 10th in scoring, she would somehow win nine games, winning her division, before losing to Masterson in another record setting game. In that quarterfinals matchup, Rob would score a record 2,501 points, knocking out #2 Molly. So basically, in one season, Molly faced off against the league’s all-time lowest score and it’s highest score.

For Don, those first three games would be the league’s worst ever strung together by one club, as he averaged just 456 points. Yet, the following week, he would take down rookie Matt Neatock with a 1,081-point game. Don would eventually finish the season 4-9, averaging just 996 points per game for the year. His 2003 season (as of 2016) is the fifth worst season of all time and he’s just one of four people in league history to average less than 1,000 points per game in a season. Three years later he would finally get his revenge though, when he won a championship as a seven-seed.

GAME RESULTS

	MOLLY COOMER		DON VOZZOLA
	TOTAL SCORE:	494	TOTAL SCORE:	263
POS	PLAYER	SCORE	PLAYER	SCORE
QB	Brett Favre (GB)	240 points	Drew Bledsoe (BUF)	-62 points
RB	Deuce McAllister (NO)	-6 points	Marshall Faulk (STL)	42 points
RB	Charlie Garner (OAK)	6 points	Warrick Dunn (ATL)	28 points
WR	Eric Moulds (BUF)	56 points	Donald Driver (GB)	92 points
WR	Charles Rogers (MIA)	146 points	Jabar Gaffney (HOU)	74 points
PK	Martin Gramatica (TB)	70 points	John Hall (WAS)	40 points
DST	Raiders D (OAK)	-28 points	Packers D (GB)	-3 points