She’s a chick, she’s inked up and now the only person she dislikes more than Bob, has to be Griff.

For years, the New Yorkers have accused Molly of being either her husband’s pawn or his second team. Neither was true, but she’s definitely been living in the fantasy football shadow of one of the league’s best. She’s also been stuck with the label of “luckiest team” for a while now.

This is the stamp Molly gets when she is fifth in the league in wins, 11 games over .500, despite the fact she is just 10th in scoring. The reality is, her opponents have scored the least amount of points against (averaging only 1,248 points per contest). Thus, the results are almost always the same: regular success, followed by an early playoff exit. That’s how a person who has nine winning seasons and ten playoff appearances only has four career post-season victories; just two since 2003.

Heading into 2016, it’s time for Molly to escape the shadows, put away the fantasy magazine and prove that you don’t need a penis to win a mug in this league.

BY THE NUMBERS

THREE GREATEST MOMENTS

Circa 1995…I’m going to assume Molly is the black girl on the right.

Excluding myself and Griff, since our first season in the league was the league’s first season, Molly produced what proved to be the greatest rookie season ever. Entering the league in 2002 with Rob Masterson and Richard Burrier, she was an afterthought. Yet, after losing her first game to Griff, she rolled through the league, winning seven of her next nine. She finished the year with 10 wins (the most for a rookie), earning the top seed (the only rookie to do that), averaging a solid 1,354 PPG (third in the league).
In 2011, Molly produced one of the most impressive six-game stretches to open a season. She broke 1,500 points in five of her first six games, winning all five of those, breaking 2,000 twice in a four-week span (which is even more impressive since she’s scored over 2,000 two other times in her 14-year Robioland career. While her numbers dipped during the bye-weeks, she always managed to hit 1,000 and in the final two weeks of the season, she knocked out 1,684 and 1,795 point performances, thus becoming (at the time) just the second person to average over 1,500 points per game for the season.
I’m not sure this is by definition a “great” moment, but it belongs somewhere. In 2008, Molly’s opponents refused to show. Starting in week seven, when she beat Burrier, 981 – 755, Molly would earn three straight victories as all three of her opponents scored the weekly low. Yet, it got so much better. In fact, Molly’s final seven opponents in the regular season would all fail to hit 1,000, as she entered the playoffs riding an eight-game winning streak. The magic continue in the quarterfinals, as Molly became the first team in league history to win a playoff game without scoring 1,000, beating #8 Eric, 982 – 850. That eight straight games where the opponent failed to hit 1,000 is a record that will probably never be broken.

THREE WORST MOMENTS

When it comes to bad games, quarterbacks tend to flop the worst. It makes sense, they have the ball the most, they get sacked, they throw interceptions and fumble the ball, so yeah, lot’s of ways to get negative points. However, no running back had a worse title game than Emmitt Smith. In 2002, Molly picked him up mid-season and by the time she reached the championship game, he was her starter. However, in week 16 (back when we played until week 16), he got crushed by the Redskins. He was held to 13 yards on 18 carries, catching one ball for -3 yards. For good measure, he fumbled as well. On the day, he finished with -63 fantasy points, helping to lead Molly to a title game defeat.
Over the last four years, Molly has struggled with her third-round pick. Tre Mason was an awful pick last year, maybe even worse than the Monte Ball pick in 2013, yet it all started in 2012. That year, the Redskins backfield was wide open, with three running backs vying for the top spot. Not a single expert had a clue who would earn the starting job. Yet, for reasons only Molly can explain, she took Roy Helu in the third round. Ouch. Not only was he not the starter (rookie Alfred Morris was), he was relegated to third string. Such a shame too, because Molly had a decent team that year, winning seven games, but was never able to fill that RB2 gap. She makes a better pick there, she would have been a contender.
Trading. It’s how you turn a good team into a great team. It’s how you erase a bad season, by preparing for the future. Yet, it’s the one thing Molly can’t seem to do. She hasn’t made a trade since the 2004 season. That’s 11 incredible years. Worse yet, she is unable to make a deal with anyone who she hasn’t met personally in life, having dealt with only Griff (twice) and me (once).

HISTORIC MOMENTS

This one belongs in the “worst moments” section, but I ran out of room. In 2011, Molly became the greatest team to lose in the quarterfinals, when 8-seed Don upset her by just 55 points in the greatest weekend in Robioland history.
Despite a fail marriage, the two Coomers will always have this game to remember them by.
Yep, she was part of the forgettable four.
Already mentioned this up above, but here is a more detailed account of those magical two months where none of Molly’s opponents scored.
This is a Masterson moment, but don’t forget, it was Molly on the losing end of the league’s largest point total.
Molly was the winner of the lowest scoring game ever.
She was third woman to be in this league, but the first to win a playoff game.

LEAGUE RECORDS

Molly’s 494 points scored in a win over Don in 2003 remains the tenth lowest score in league history. Yet, that’s not her worst game. Also that year, she scored just 442 in a loss to David, he sixth lowest points scored in a game.
She’s been on the losing end in two of the top four highest combined scoring games. She lost to Masterson in 2003, 2,501 – 1,319 (4th most combined points), but in 2011, she lost to Griff, 2,155 – 1,795 (the second most combined points scored). Her 1,795 is the fifth most points ever scored in a defeat.
Her and Don combined to scored 757 points in 2003, the lowest combined point scored in a game.
Her 19,962 points scored in 2011, remains the third most points scored in a regular season.
In 2008, Molly’s opponents scored just 1,003 PPG in 2008. That’s the second lowest opponent’s PPG total ever and most by an active team. Of course, five years earlier (in 2003), her opponents scored just 1,065 (the 5th lowest total).

FAVORITE & NOT FAVORITE OPPONENT

Molly has certainly struggled to beat Griff, going 8-15 in her career, although she’s recently taken three of five. However, her toughest opponent is me. She’s just 4-13 against the league commissioner. She’s lost five straight and seven of eight. She’s also 0-3 in the post-season against me.
She’s found success against Colby (9-5) and Masterson (11-6), but her favorite foe has to be Eric. She’s 15-7 against him, having taken five of their last seven meetings.

GREATEST PLAYER

Honestly, Molly hasn’t had a ton of consistently great players. I guess I’d go with Aaron Rodgers. In 2011, she drafted the Packers quarterback in the first-round and it paid off, as he earned first-team All-Robio and league MVP. He averaged a league record, 478 PPG that year. She kept him the following year, where he finished fifth among all quarterbacks. In 2013, she re-drafted him, but he got knocked out for year mid-season.

FUN FACT

Molly is just one of two league members to record four 10-win seasons in her career.
Despite her scoring woes, there are only three people in this league who have won multiple scoring titles. I’ve done it four times, Bob twice and yep, Molly has done it twice (2006 and 2011)
Molly has always been a strong finisher, in the season’s final four games, she has won three or more games nine times in fourteen years.
Has used a first-round pick on a keeper four times in 11 seasons.

2016 Team Rankings | #9 Molly Coomer

July 13, 2016