I’m the commissioner, I masturbate like it’s profitable and lately I’m more likely to earn a free lap dance with my boyish charm than win an actual fantasy football game…I am Robio Murray.

Man, this game use to be easy. Winning seasons and playoff appearances were foregone conclusions. Scoring titles were my thing and I earned enough mugs to fill an entire shelf. Yet, that was then.

The struggles started to pop up around 2004, when I missed my first ever post-season. Since then I’m missed the playoffs (six times) the same amount of times I’ve made it (only Jeff, Eric and Don have done as bad or worse). Yet, I always saved my rep with amazing feats in that same time: scoring titles, 12-win regular seasons, three championship game appearances and of course one title in 2012.

However, the last two years have been just awful. I’m won a total of six games. Sure my opponents scored the most points last year, but that’s excuse buys you a 6-7 season. To finish 3-10, you not only have to draft poorly, but you have to lack any ability to work the wire or get trades done to get better.

Heading in 2016, the madness needs to stop. I’m not worried about titles and top seeds. At this point, I just want my dignity back with a playoff appearance.

BY THE NUMBERS

THREE GREATEST MOMENTS

Okay, I could talk about any number of my four championships, but I won’t…just yet. Instead, I’m going to start off with a personal favorite moment. In fantasy, I love people who can salvage a bad season throughout the year. Nothing beats the ability to turn a good team into a great team by making good decisions through pick ups and trades. In 2008, I couldn’t make a bad decision. The draft started out decent enough. I kept Brian Westbrook in round one and then drafted Andre Johnson in the second. Two picks later I snagged Tony Gonzalez. All three studs, however, the magic for me began once the season started. In week two, I picked up the Ravens DST. They would start for me the remainder of the year and would earn second-team All-Robio. Later in that week, Griff drunkenly cut Kurt Warner for some reason, so I snagged him. He would be my starting QB all year as a top-5 arm. Two weeks later, Griff was struggling for a quarterback, so I traded him Brett Favre (A guy I picked up off the wire) for Thomas Jones. Favre would collapse by season’s end. In week five, I was desperate for a wide receiver. Molly outbid me for Amani Toomer, so I grabbed Domenik Hixon (also of the Giants). Toomer scored 120, Hixon scored 284, the difference in my 129-point victory over Molly. Yet, I was just 2-3 at the time. I still needed more pieces. Luckily for me, Bob dropped DeAngelo Williams and I grabbed him for $26. Williams would finish the season as the #1 back in football. I wasn’t done though. In week nine, I grabbed Antonio Bryant, who for reasons we’ll never know, became arguably the league’s best wide receiver down the stretch. He ended up finishing 7th among wide receivers, after doing nothing through eight weeks. What did these guys do? They put up the greatest 11-game stretch in league history. I finished the regular season only winning six of nine, but in all six wins, I scored the weekly high score. I cracked 1,500 six times and then twice more in the post-season. During those 11 games, my team averaged 1,630 points per game. Sadly, this team would not win a championship, because they were run by a moron who benched the league’s top running back in the title game, but for the season, they finished with 1st team All-Robio awards (Williams, Gonzalez), two 2nd-team All-Robio awards and one 3rd-team All-Robio award. Of the two guys who didn’t earn All-Robio, Bryant missed it by one spot (he finished 7th) and Kurt Warner, who finished 5th.
While I typically take more pride in my scoring titles (4), let’s talk winning streaks, which is the one record I can brag about dominating. I have the second longest (12 straight), but that was a long time ago. My favorite was from 2010, when I won 14-straight in one season. I officially have come the closest to an undefeated regular season, losing just once, but technically I never came close because my lone loss of the year came in week one. Griff took me down in week one, 1,732 – 1,226. It wasn’t that much of a surprise, as it was the fourth year in a row I lost on the opening weekend. Then I kept winning. I beat Eric and then won an amazing 1,801 – 1,707 victory over Molly. Burrier put up no fight in week four, while I escaped Don by 95 points. Colby helped out with a weekly low score in week six, before I went on a five week tear, averaging 1,477 in wins over Bob, Jeff, Calderon, Masterson and Griff. To end the season, Eric and Molly failed to show, both producing weekly low scores. I took two more in the post-season, before Bob ended my title dreams in the championship game. The 14-straight wins though, remain a league best.
Between 2003-05, I really couldn’t have started off each season worse. Yet, being the “refuse to give up” guy that I am, I rallied all three years. In 2003, I began 0-4, failing to crack 1,300. However, I ended up winning ten out of my next eleven, finishing #2 in scoring and would probably have been the favorite heading into the title game if I wasn’t upset in the semis by David. In 2004, I found myself 2-5 at the halfway point, after losing four straight. However, I again rallied, winning six of my last seven, breaking 1,500 five times, earning four weekly high scores. I earned the top seed and finished #2 in scoring. This time I would be unstoppable, in the post, scoring over 1,598 in all three post-season games, crushing Molly for the title. In 2005, I was back to 0-4, failing to break 1,000 twice. Yet, after delivering the league’s greatest ass-kicking (defeating Masterson, 2,099 – 475). I would go on to win nine of ten (the third straight year I did that), scoring over 1,400 eight times, earning four weekly high scores. I finished the regular season as the top seed and scoring champ. However, despite scoring 1,500 in the quarterfinals, Calderon upset me in the quarterfinals.

THREE WORST MOMENTS

As someone who has lost three championship games, it may seem like it’s not easy to pick one as the worst moment, but in my case, it was. It’s easily 2008, when I build one of the greatest end of season teams ever and then made one costly mistake that lost me the championship. That team, as I documented above, dominated, producing six wins in nine games, six weekly high scores, breaking 1,500 seven times. In the playoffs, I continued to dominate when I scored 1,641 in a quarterfinals win over Bob and then 1,760 in a semifinals win over Colby. Meanwhile, six-win Don snuck into the playoffs, but managed to upset the #2 seed Calderon and #1 seed Molly. Yet, I was the clear favorite in our title game rematch. Nothing could stop me…except myself. That week, despite being the #1 fantasy running back, I decided to bench DeAngelo Williams, who was on the road facing the league’s top run defense (The Giants). In his place, I put in Brian Westbrook, who finished the season as the 11th best back, facing a much weaker Seattle defense. Well, that decision cost me. Westbrook was fine, he scored 196 points. However, DeAngelo had 199 yards and four touchdowns. He finished with 408 points. That was a 212-pt decision I made in a game I lost by 175. On top of that, on the Friday before the game, I picked up Tavaris Jackson, worried about Warner playing in the cold in New England. Yet, come Sunday, I stuck with Warner. Well, that decision was brutal as well. Warner finished the day with -4 points, while Jackson had his best game as pro, scoring 453 fantasy points. Still hurts today.
Now this isn’t really a moment, but a series of moments, but let’s be honest, there isn’t anyone worse than me at making a keeper decision. Just go look yourself. It’s brutal. It’s NSFW brutal. 2013 is the only year I kept two top-10 players (Matt Ryan, #8 and Marshawn Lynch, #6). Three times in my career, I’ve kept just one player or less. Worse yet, most of these guys weren’t guesses, they were stars the season before and collapsed; like Travis Henry in 2007. He finished 40th. DeAngelo Williams in 2010, falling from 7th to 38th. Don’t even get me started on Monte Ball in 2014.
Back in the early 2000’s, the Miami Hurricanes put together arguably the greatest team in college football and crushed Nebraska for the National Title. The following year, they rolled through the competition and were once again undefeated in the title game. They faced Ohio State, who decided to give them a little competition. Yet, in overtime, the Canes took a touchdown lead. The Buckeyes got their fair ups and got down to about the three-yard line. On fourth down, a fade pass was not caught. The two nearest referees blew their whistle and signaled incomplete. The Canes celebrated, the Buckeyes began to walk off the field, fireworks actually went off…then…from the middle of the field, the back judge that was nowhere near the play, threw a flag. Pass interference. Ohio State was given a first down, they ended up scoring and winning. Instead of a dynasty, The U collapsed and haven’t been the same since. Why do I bring this up? Because my pass interference moment was in the quarterfinals, 2003. No, it wasn’t a bum call that ruined me, that’s not my point. It was that moment, my career and Robioland went from behind basically unstoppable to what is today. Before that game, I was dominating. Three titles, two scoring titles and two second place finishes. I was 57-24 at that point. Yet, in the background was Rich Calderon, coming back from an 1-6 start to the year. In that final week of the season, I feared him, because as the 3rd highest scoring team, he was the last person I wanted to see in the quarterfinals. Of course, I could have avoided him but resting some of starters and letting Bob beat me. I didn’t, Bob lost, Calderon won, we faced off in the quarters and I became the first top seed and first scoring champ to lose in the first round, 1,953 – 1,533.

HISTORIC MOMENTS

This was the greatest game until Bob’s one-point victory over Matt a couple years later.
Here’s a more detailed look at my 12-1 regular season.
Ugh, my awful decisions.
The trade that shook the world.
From 2-5 to world champion.
The first great upset in league history.
The very first historic moment.

LEAGUE RECORDS

I have the fourth and sixth highest point totals for a single game. I scored 2,321 in 2000 and 2,258 in 1999. Overall, have six of the top 25 single game point totals.
I scored 280 points in my very first game in Robioland. It remains the second worst point total in a single game.
I own three of the top-10 ass kickings of all-time. I crushed Molly by 1,198 in 2004. I crushed David by 1,435 in 1999 and I owned Masterson by 1,624 in 2003.
Eric and I combined for 3,844 points in the 2012 championship game. That’s the most for the title game and third highest of all-time. I’m a part of six of the top-15 combined scores (winning five of those).
I have the top two winning streaks in league history. I got 12 in row in 1999-2000 and 14 straight in 2010.
I’m tied with three others for the league’s longest losing streak (nine straight).
I have the 6th, 7th and 10th highest point total for regular and post-season, led by 24,081 points in 1999.
In 2001, I scored 1,823 in a loss to David, the third most points scored in a defeat.
I produced a 28-game 1,000-pt streak between 2012-14, the fourth longest in history.

FAVORITE & NOT FAVORITE OPPONENT

I use to dominate Griff, going 14-7 at one point (including 4-0 in the post-season), but I’ve lost four in a row now. I’m solid against Matt, going 11-5, but my favorite opponent is Molly. I’m 14-3 against her, having won five in a row, despite the fact I’ve struggled the past couple years.
Colby has caused me trouble over the years, leading our series 11-5, doing most of his damage since 2010, where he’s won eight of nine. Bob has dominated our series, going 14-8. He did most of his damage between 2006-2011, when he won eight of ten.

GREATEST PLAYER

Sadly, I really don’t have a long list of great players. As I discussed before, I suck at keepers. If had to pick my best, I guess I would say Willie Parker. Yep, that’s the best I can do. I’ve certainly have had plenty of one-season wonders. Christ, I’ve had a league best 21 first-team All-Robio players, but they’ve never kept that production going. At least Parker provided me a solid two year starter. When I drafted him in round two in the 2006 draft, he finished seventh among all backs. The following year, he finished second, earning 1st-team All-Robio.

FUN FACT

Twice I have scored over 1,500 in the playoffs and lost (to Calderon in 2003 and to Colby two years later)
I lead the league with 21 first-team All-Robio awards.
I’ve had 14 RBs end up earning an All-Robio Award, out of 34 that have finished the season as my starter.
My .750 winning percentage in the post-season remains a league best (.750).
I’m 10-1 in the quarterfinals
We had divisions for 13 seasons. I won my division seven times
Matt and Calderon are the only two people I’ve never beaten in the playoffs. I’ve never faced Matt and I’m 0-1 against Rich

2016 Team Rankings: #3 Robio Murray

July 21, 2016