Here are you complete 2016 Team Rankings…all on one convenient page. You’re welcome, America.
1. BOB CASTRONE
He recently just learned that you can’t get a girl pregnant through a blowjob, he believes the film Fletch is overrated and he dominates this league so thoroughly, he makes 50 Shades of Gray feel like a Disney film, he’s Bob Castrone.
With the recent fall of your commissioner, Bob has become the undisputed king of Robioland. He’s first in points, wins, playoff points, penis size (probably) and just about everything else that matters. He won his first championship in just his second year in the league (2004) and after a bump in the road defending that title, he began his reign of terror. He’s made it to the post-season for an incredible ten straight years. During that span, he’s produced two of the top-six seasons ever, including the greatest ever in 2014.
Best yet, Bob doesn’t waste his playoff trips. He’s lost in the quarterfinals just twice (2008 and 2013) and he’s undefeated in the title game, winning four championships, including back-to-back mugs in 2011-2012. Even last year, when he failed to win it all, he left a mark, becoming the first team in league history to earn back-t0-back top seeds and scoring titles, averaging over 1,500 in both seasons.
Moving forward, Bob just needs to keep owning this bitch. There is little hope that Bob is just going to fall off the map. Every decision seems to be a good one. Nearly every break, goes his way. If he is to go down, we all are just going to have to get better at this.
2. GRIFF COOMER
He needs a gun to make up for his impotence, small children cower when he’s near and he’s your defending champ, so go fuck yourself…he’s Griff Coomer.
Yep, he’s now #2 in the league and there is no question he belongs one spot ahead of me. Sure I got more championships and I still lead in a variety of categories, but while I continue to be a schizophrenic mess, Griff has been a model of consistency in this league for 17 years.
Between 1999-2008, Griff was solid. He had six winning seasons, two division titles, one scoring title, five stunning trips to the finals and one championship. Yet, what he’s done since then has been even more impressive.
If you include the post-season, Griff has won eight games or more for seven straight years. Most of the league hasn’t won eight games in a season seven times in their careers. Anyhow, he’s the only person to do that in league history (passing Bob’s six straight this past season). The only thing holding him up was the amount of championship mugs. During this run, he lost in the finals two more times (2009, 2013) and was upset in the quarterfinals three straight years (2010-12). That all ended this past season though when he rolled off eight straight wins to earn his second career championship, during his incredible eighth visit to the title game.
Moving forward, for Griff it’s simple…don’t take your foot off all our necks and keep doing what you’re doing and with a studly threesome of keepers heading into 2016, we could be looking at a repeat.
3. ROBIO MURRAY
I’m the commissioner, I masturbate like it’s profitable and lately I’m more likely to earn a free lap dance with my boyish charm than win an actual fantasy football game…I am Robio Murray.
Man, this game use to be easy. Winning seasons and playoff appearances were foregone conclusions. Scoring titles were my thing and I earned enough mugs to fill an entire shelf. Yet, that was then.
The struggles started to pop up around 2004, when I missed my first ever post-season. Since then I’m missed the playoffs (six times) the same amount of times I’ve made it (only Jeff, Eric and Don have done as bad or worse). Yet, I always saved my rep with amazing feats in that same time: scoring titles, 12-win regular seasons, three championship game appearances and of course one title in 2012.
However, the last two years have been just awful. I’m won a total of six games. Sure my opponents scored the most points last year, but that’s excuse buys you a 6-7 season. To finish 3-10, you not only have to draft poorly, but you have to lack any ability to work the wire or get trades done to get better.
Heading in 2016, the madness needs to stop. I’m not worried about titles and top seeds. At this point, I just want my dignity back with a playoff appearance.
4. MATT NEATOCK
He’s tall, he’s bald and he was voted most likely to overbid on every item on The Price is Right…he’s Matt Neatock.
Unable to live down an attempt to draft Torry Holt (a top-5 wide receiver at the time) in the 12th round, Matt’s reputation has suffered for years, yet this is a guy who has had great success in this league. He’s won multiple championships (just one of four people to do that) and he’s put together some of the best teams the league has seen. Of course, he’s also a guy who has missed the playoffs five times, including twice in the season’s final weekend.
Lately, at least over the last two years, he’s really moved ahead of the pack among the mid-level talents in this league. He’s produced back-to-back 8-5 seasons, he’s scored well, crushed Masterson’s dream in the quarterfinals the past two playoffs and came without one-point of winning a third title in 2014.
For Matt moving forward, it’s about not losing focus and letting it all slip away, because he over-extends himself with 47 other fantasy football leagues. This was best seen in his 2015 keepers, which were easily his worst batch he’s ever kept. Luckily for him, his beloved Rams moved out of St. Louis, so that should free up some research time.
5. RICH CALDERON
He’s a part-time vegan, sometimes nudist and most likely danced to Donna Summers during his high school prom…he’s Rich “don’t call me Burrier” Calderon.
Okay, you get the “best team to never win a title” monkey off your back, so what do you do for an encore? If you’re Rich Calderon…not much.
For a long time, this guy did plenty of impressive things. He won games (three 9-win seasons), he scored (often sitting third or fourth in career points) and he advanced in the playoffs (moving past the quarters in his first three post-season trips). Later, he began to enjoy elite status. He earned a scoring title in 2010, produced back-to-back 10-win seasons, before finally winning it all with a 13-win team in 2013.
Yet, fantasy football is all about what you’ve done for me lately and Calderon hasn’t done much lately. Two years ago he entered the season as defending champ and preseason favorite. Yet, his team struggled all year and he barely snuck back into the playoffs with a 6-win team. He followed that up with five-win squad this past season that did miss the playoffs. Since getting monkey off, Rich has finished ninth and tenth in scoring and now has slipped to 7th in career points. A man whose name once got mentioned with the best in the league, is now treading in Vozzola territory.
Heading into 2016, Stella needs to get her groove back. He needs to start scoring points and remind people that he knows how to win in this league (the only league that truly matters). If Rich doesn’t do this soon, he’ll soon learn how easy his one title run will be forgotten.
6. COLBY HALL
He’s a legend in his own mind, a mock draft monster that’s only happy when he’s wearing nipple clamps for brunch…he’s Colby Hall.
Colby has always seemed to live in a bubble in this league. For a long time, he lived in a bubble with Molly and Masterson, but that threesome has begun to separate lately. Molly has fallen back from the pack, Masterson has improved, but it’s Colby who has slowly begun to occupy the same space as folks like Calderon and Neatock. The only thing those two have on their resume that Colby doesn’t…a title. For now, that’s the tiebreaker that keeps Colby handcuffed to the 6-spot.
Of course, for Colby, wins didn’t always come easy. He had four losing seasons among his first six, but since he typically avoided being awful, he managed to make the post-season five times during those early years (crashing the title game once).
Lately though, the wins have begun to arrive. Four out of his last six seasons have ended with winning records and even last year’s team felt better than their six wins indicated (which he proved by getting back to the title game for a second time). This is a big reason why Colby firmly holds the title of “best team to not win a championship,” since Calderon got his one a few years back.
Now it’s all about making his career win-loss record match his point total. Colby is up to fourth in points, just behind Bob, Griff and Robio. That’s good company to be around when we’re talking career points. Yet, Colby has earned “most disappointing team” in back-to-back seasons (2012-13), which is telling.
Heading into 2016, Colby’s goal should be simple: take another step forward, not backwards. He’s a guy who has never made it to the post-season four years running (he’s currently made the playoffs three straight years). It’s time to move up to elite status by maybe winning 10 games during the regular season, earn a second scoring title or better yet, win it all. Oh and beat Griff.
7. ROB MASTERSON
He was the real-life inspiration for Dolomite, old people and pregnant women give up their subway seats for him and I naturally assume when my wife needs to get sexual aroused, she thinks of him…he’s Rob Masterson.
Rob’s beginnings in this league were of the positive sort. After two straight seasons advancing to the semis, he looked like he’d be a yearly contender and not just because he still wore his Ken O’Brien underoos.
However, as his career progressed, the name Masterson was suddenly getting placed alongside those like (Eric) Vozzola and Greenblatt, especially between 2005-10, when Rob missed the playoffs four times in six seasons, winning just one playoff game, all while people like Don and Matt we’re bringing home multiple mugs.
After a brilliant 2011 season though, Rob finally righted the ship. Since that year, he has produced five straight winning seasons and obviously crashed the post-season five straight years. The only other two to do the same are Bob and Griff.
Yet, Rob would never be confused with those two. Those two fight for titles, while Rob would feel blessed to just win a playoff game, something he’s done just twice since 2004. However, it’s not just that. Rob remains one of just two people who has never won a scoring title (although he’s been close), he’s never been a top seed and he’s never even reached the title game. Jeff is the only person who can lay claim to all that as well and no one wants to be associated with Jeff in fantasy football.
Moving forward, can Masterson break any those glass ceilings in 2016? He’s got the football knowledge, he’s got the keeper options this year and since he’s married with two young kids, living in the suburbs, we know he’s not getting laid, so he should have plenty of time to do his homework.
8. RICHARD BURRIER
He’s handsome, hairy and probably has spent more money than anyone else in this league on lapdances…he’s Richard Burrier.
Burrier is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, rubbed with butter. He’s just tough to nail down, is all I’m trying to say. Here’s a guy who has produced just two winning seasons since 2007. Only Jeff has done worse. Yet, he has made it to the playoffs five times in the last six seasons. However, one of those playoff teams was a five-win team. Rich did make it to the title game in 2011. Yet, seven of his last nine trips to the playoffs ended in the quarterfinals.
What’s lacking is greatness. Don’t get me wrong, Burrier had a nice run during his Tomlinson years, producing four winning seasons, four division titles (back when we had divisions) and one championship, but did you know that Burrier has only been a top-seed once and he’s never sniffed a scoring title?
Fact is, he’s been stuck in the middle of the road for too long. He’s fallen to 8th in scoring, 8th in winning percentage, 8th in playoff victories…see a pattern? Worse yet, he’s actually last in 1,000-pt games, only breaking a grand 76.5% of the time. That basically means one in four games he plays, he scores under 1,000.
It’s time for Burrier to man-up. Getting to second base is for 14-year-old boys. It’s time to get her undressed and ready for Lil’ Burrier. Just getting to the playoffs isn’t worth bragging about in a league that allows 67% of the teams each year to go. Being just an 8-seed is not acceptable any more. Dare to be great, buddy!
9. MOLLY COOMER
She’s a chick, she’s inked up and now the only person she dislikes more than Bob, has to be Griff.
For years, the New Yorkers have accused Molly of being either her husband’s pawn or his second team. Neither was true, but she’s definitely been living in the fantasy football shadow of one of the league’s best. She’s also been stuck with the label of “luckiest team” for a while now.
This is the stamp Molly gets when she is fifth in the league in wins, 11 games over .500, despite the fact she is just 10th in scoring. The reality is, her opponents have scored the least amount of points against (averaging only 1,248 points per contest). Thus, the results are almost always the same: regular success, followed by an early playoff exit. That’s how a person who has nine winning seasons and ten playoff appearances only has four career post-season victories; just two since 2003.
Heading into 2016, it’s time for Molly to escape the shadows, put away the fantasy magazine and prove that you don’t need a penis to win a mug in this league.
10. DON VOZZOLA
He’s the league’s oldest member by a lot, he was voted in his fraternity, “most like to go on a shooting spree” and he’s the first of what I hope are many league members who will come out of the closet…because when you think of Robioland Football, I want you to think diversity.
Of course, if Don was looking to rep the LGBTQ community in fantasy football, he’s failing bigger than the my online profile on Ashley Madison, as he hasn’t sniffed the post-season since 2011.
Losing hasn’t just become a hobby, it’s become his full time, poorly paying job. He’s just 17-35 in his last four seasons. Let’s face it, no one has been worse. I came thisclose to putting Don last in these rankings, especially now that he’s dead last in points scored per game (1,194 PPG), but then I remembered this is supposed to represent one’s entire career.
While his overall numbers wouldn’t impress even this chick, he still has just one of five people to have a career triple crown (Champion, scoring title, top seed), he still has the fifth best playoff winning percentage (8-7), he’s still just one of three people to make it to the post-season eight straight years and those two pesky titles in 2006 and 2008 are still his to brag about. Although to be fair, after 200 combined seasons of Robioland, those title runs have fallen to #62 (2008) and #68 (2006) in season’s ranked.
Now heading into 2016, it’s time to get back to the old Don, or new Don is going to be living in the Robioland basement soon. Trust me, he doesn’t want to be there.
11. ERIC VOZZOLA
He’s the youngest member of Robioland Football, he’s a loyal Trumo supporter and remains one of the few who is still allowed legally to be within 200-yards of a middle school. He’s Eric Vozzola.
Thanks to a solid 2015, where Eric earned a three-seed, he was able to move out of the Robioland Football basement and pass Jeff in most of the important categories. He’s now 11th in points, wins, playoff results and 1,500 points. Baby steps, baby.
Speaking of steps, Eric has made it to the playoffs in five out of his last nine seasons. Most people wouldn’t brag about that, but Eric should feel like Prince Akeem after a bath. Think about it, he failed to qualify for a single playoff spot in his first six years in the league, so five out of nine ain’t bad.
The problem now is, like a bipolar teenage girl, Eric suffers through both extreme highs and extreme lows. When he succeeds, he succeeds big. He’s twice gone 9-4 since 2012 (five teams haven’t done that once in that same time frame). Eric has also earned a scoring title (something Masterson can only dream about) and made it to the title game (another thing Masterson can only dream about). Yet, in the last six seasons he’s missed the playoffs four times and he’s gone just 11-41 in those four non-playoff seasons. Holy hell, that’s bad.
12. JEFF GREENBLATT
He hasn’t aged in the 15 years that I’ve known him, when he needs to Orgasm, he thinks of Jerry Garcia and the only thing he does worse than mac with the ladies…is play fantasy football. He is Jeff Greenblatt.
He’s made the post-season last year. In fact, it was the second time in three seasons he has done that. To most, that’s not too impressive, considering he hasn’t won an actual playoff game and couldn’t even produce a winning season. However, for Jeff, he’s allowed to consider it a great accomplishment. In eight years of Robioland Football, Jeff has produced just one winning season. Just one. Let’s say it again to let it really sink in…just one winning season. That was back in 2009 when he went 8-5, despite ending the season losing four out of his last five.
My point, Jeff’s greatest achievement in this league is the fact he’s so willing to donate $150 to other people’s winnings so easily. For years now, he’s been battling Eric for the “worst” label in just about every category. Of course, Eric had a very successful 2015, thus Jeff flipped into last place in every major category (career record, playoff record, playoff points, career 1,000-pt games, career 1,500-pt games), you name it, he’s at the bottom of it.
For 2016, Jeff needs to accomplish two feats. Get back to the playoffs. As a solo player he’s never crashed the post-season party two years running. Yet, just as importantly, win more games than he loses. It’s time to see a second winning season on Jeff’s resume.